Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Opening to Love for Myself

I've been focused almost completely inward for two or three days. I'm really seeing how vicious and cruel I am to myself. I've been practicing loving myself and doing a lot of Ho'oponono and suddenly I began loving myself fiercely. I am going to love myself no matter what. I will love myself--and fiercely--no matter what I eat. I will love myself if I grow as big as a barn. I will love myself if I never clean the back patio, if I never clean anything again. I will love myself if I play computer games, even if that's all I do for a year. There is nothing I can do that can stop me from loving myself. What a beautiful miracle!

Recently, I posted some about my relationship with music, and truth be told I've always wanted to be a musician. I've never told anyone this and only since I've been on the LOA path have I admitted it to myself because I don't believe I have any talent. And we all know about self-fulfilling beliefs.

During this inward time, a memory came to me. As a teenager, I loved classical music. My mother did not like music and I was not allowed to listen to music at any kind of volume. I did not have my own stereo, so I spent hours laying on the floor with my ear pressed against the household stereo listening to my dad's classical records. Even now I'm realizing that we--my sisters and I--played Disney albums (e.g. Mary Poppins, The Jungle Book) fairly loudly, so maybe it was just me who couldn't listen to music I liked except with ear pressed to speaker. Looking back at it as a mother, it's hard to believe trying to thwart your own daughter's passions--esp for something as benign as classical music.

At this same time, I started playing the piano again. I'd had lessons when I was younger until I wanted to quit them. (That's another story.) My mother hated for me to play. Fortunately, my father loved it. He even got her to tune the piano; I was the only one using it at that point. Yes, I came by it honestly, not supporting myself in what I love. And, again, it is time for me to love and support myself.

This evening Jasmine was off at a Halloween Carnival and I was inspired to check up on unschoolingmiracles, an e-mail list I love but have not visited for many months. And, lo and behold, I found what I needed to hear. Both of the following are quotes from Arnold Patent's book, The Journey; the second was posted as what a member started her day off saying.
There is no one as powerful as a person who feels loved and supported.

I absolutely adore who I am!
I am totally enchanted with every aspect of my life!
I fully appreciated the richness and support each event of my day brings!
And, I consistently allow myself to feel the Love the Universe showers upon me, and all else, in this beautiful, infinite day!

Some people I respect on the list are also into Lola, so I followed a link to her website. It looks about right for me now. If so, I'm sure I'll get back there soon.

Jaz has been busy with a Brownie service project, a dance performance, getting ready for Halloween, learning about Gypsies, learning to knit, watching Shakespeare plays and numerous other things. This morning I turned her onto a You Tube video of a child singer. She spent the morning curled up in a blanket watching You Tube videos of child stars; a perfect way to spend a blustery day. She's preparing her own post with videos that inspired her and this evening she stretched as I read to her. She then made a list of things she wants to do tomorrow; stretch and exercise, practice singing, work on a story she's writing, etc. Suddenly she is ambitious.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You believed you do not have any talent??? Really? Wow. You might need a reality mirror there. Where do you think Michelle gets it?

I can understand mom on that one. When I am tired and stressed and overwhelmed, I cannot stand loud noises and I really cannot stand canned noises. It was probably less you vs everyone else and more timing.

Theresa